Category Archives: Pilsener

#240 – Crack Pils

#240 - Crack Pils

Size: 250 ml

ABV: 5 %

If there was ever a more appropriately named Belgian beer to take to an illegal rave than Crack Pils, then it hasn’t been brewed yet. I saw this tacky little lager sitting all alone on a dusty shelf in the old den Zytholog shed in Adegem. I wouldn’t be the first person in the world, and certainly won’t be the last to be tempted by both Crack and Pills.

It’s all very well to smugly sit here and make wisecracks about hard narcotics but perhaps the irony is that the beer we drink and read and write about is a drug. The general classification for a drug is simply ‘any substance which when absorbed into a living organism may modify one or more of its functions’. You could equally argue that vitamins and hormones are similarly classed as drugs, but they don’t quite elicit the same bodily effects as a good skinful of booze.

Anti-alcohol activists, of which there are many, would have you believe that alcoholic beverages are on a par with illegal street drugs such as Crack. Your average beer drinker might tend to disagree but it is worth looking at a few facts before immediately writing off such claims. A number of recent studies in the US have claimed that excessive alcohol consumption is associated with approximately 75,000 deaths per year, and that 41% of all deaths from motor vehicle crashes involved alcohol. How tenuous these links are is up for discussion, however you only have to be in city centres at closing time these days to see for yourself the carnage which alcohol can cause. The studies continue to allege that alcohol abuse in our youth tends to lead to academic and occupational problems, as well as physical violence and illegal behaviour. Long term alcohol misuse is also proven to be associated with liver disease, cancer, cardiovascular disease and neurological damage, as well as psychiatric problems such as depression, anxiety and personality disorders. Bleak stuff.

This isn’t just a US issue either. A recent journal article in the Lancet in the UK claimed that alcohol is the most dangerous drug, ahead of both heroin (2nd), and cocaine (3rd). The basis of the claims centre on both the harm to the individual and on society of excessive alcohol consumption. It’s a convenient point of view for those who wish to take advantage of the situation and increase taxes further, or censor advertising although there is almost certainly no smoke without fire. Sitting here in my ivory tower drinking this hideous little beer it’s easy to point the finger at the rest of society but then I began to recall nights when I wrestled a police officer to the ground after a pub crawl, charged at a group of riot police in Ghent, urinated against a police station door in Antwerp, and stole a boat and had to be rescued by life-boats about a mile out to sea (#76). I like to consider myself a pretty upstanding member of society and so alcohol clearly has something to answer for.

The moral of this story is clearly don’t do Crack, don’t do Pills, and more importantly whatever you do don’t do Crack Pils, or SAS Export, West Pils, Suma Pils or any other pseudonyms of this beer that may exist.

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Filed under 4, Leroy, Pilsener

#87 – Rubbel Sexy Lager

#87 - Rubbel Sexy Lager

Size: 330 ml

ABV: 5 %

Rubbel Sexy Lager is ashamedly Belgian. When you close your eyes and think of why Belgian beer culture is so revered, you don’t immediately think about Rubbel Sexy Lager, but for now, for this moment in time, it would be great to share the story, and to enjoy some gentle irony at the expense of the alcohol regulators in the UK.

In February 2008, all bottles of Rubbel Sexy Lager were stripped from UK shelves. It would be best to use the exact words of Portman Group manager David Poley to explain why – of course also remembering to keep referring back to the label pictured above. And yes, that is a scratch and remove bikini !

“Drinking excessively can affect people’s judgement and behaviour leading to them engaging in sexual activity which they later regret…Our Code disallows drinks marketing being linked to sexual success…The industry has set itself strict marketing rules and this drink has fallen short of those high standards.”

Rightly or wrongly, and forgetting the quality of the beer for a moment, is it worth considering the amount of products that exist on our TV screens today, and on bill-boards across the country that don’t use sex to sell products? Cars sell on the premise of sex. It wasn’t long ago that almost all car and motorcycle advertisements used scantily clad females draped across the paintwork. Advertising has become more subtle but the message remains. Just ask all those men who as teenagers were besotted by Nicole. The marketeers behind Lynx deodorant would make you believe that even the most undesirable male can pick up hot girls with a couple of deft applications of cheap bodyspray. Even such obscure products as burgers (Paris Hilton, 2005) and Brylcreem have linked sexual success to their products.

I guess however there is a moral line somewhere in this which is important to note. Any male, or female for that matter, could pick up a can of bodyspray or hair product, or drive a fancy car to impress the opposite sex, but all is seen as fair game. Portman may of course argue that it might not be quite as fair to use drugs such as alcohol to gain an advantage in this area. Sexy Rubbel Lager is far removed from something sinister like Rohipnol, but the marketeers perhaps need to realise the position of alcohol in the market, and the potential dangers. After all there is statistically far more chance of picking up a partner in a bar than there is in a burger bar, and it is almost certainly exponentially related to the amount one or both has drunk.

That aside, I certainly wouldn’t recommend this beer to anyone, even if there was the faintest chance it might entice Kylie Minogue round for a peek in my cellar. Even if you consider the thirty seconds of fun I had revealing one unidentifiable breast and a glimpse of pubic hair, there is no way I would return and drink this beast of a drink again. It was a foul weak tasteless lager with no redeeming features whatsoever. Caveat Emptor !

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Filed under 3, Huyghe, Pilsener