Category Archives: 3

This beer warrants a 3/10. Its not good. In fact its pretty dire. There are worse out there but not many

#117 – Pave de L’Ours

#117 - Pave de L'Ours

Size: 250 ml

ABV: 8 %

Pave de L’Ours – a remarkably splendid name for a beer, and one which loses much of its meaning in translation. The ‘pave of the bear’ means very little in English, but in French tends to mean ‘to do more harm than good’. Its origin comes from a famous proverb by the renowned fabulist and poet Jean de La Fontaine entitled ‘The Bear and the Lover of Gardens’.

In a nutshell, two unlikely characters; a man and a bear, become friends and agree to look after each other following prolonged periods of loneliness and unhappiness. The man agrees to do the gardening while the bear does all the hunting. Perfect, what could possibly go wrong?

One day, when both the man and bear have finished their chores, they both relax in the garden, and while the man sleeps a fly begins to buzz infuriatingly above his head. Remembering his promise to look after the man, the bear decides to rid his friend of this nuisance thus allowing him to catch up on some uninterrupted sleep. He reaches out for the nearest item to him, a rather large paving stone, and in one unwieldy movement, throws it at the buzzing fly. The fly managed to avert itself from the hurtling piece of pavement, however the sleeping man was less lucky, his skull being crushed on the spot. A tragic tale of how harm can come even from the best of intentions.

This fable is a well known tale in France, and has even been the inspiration for a novel by Toshiyuki Horie, who brings the tragic story to a conclusion in Normandy. Bears are rare in Normandy, so Horie uses two friends, one a Frenchman, the other a Japanese translator.

I had been looking forward to drinking this strong honey beer for some time. What a complete disappointment to discover that the beer so romantically named, ended up as tragic as the tale on which it was based. I have never drunk the urine of a bear before (strangely) however if somebody had told me they had mixed bear piss with honey I wouldn’t have disbelieved them. It was foul. The one saving grace I suppose was that at least it did taste somewhat of honey. I couldn’t even finish it, which is just as well as I probably saved the bear from another deeply distressing manslaughter trial !

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Filed under 3, Bear, Belgian Strong Ale, Silenrieux

#87 – Rubbel Sexy Lager

#87 - Rubbel Sexy Lager

Size: 330 ml

ABV: 5 %

Rubbel Sexy Lager is ashamedly Belgian. When you close your eyes and think of why Belgian beer culture is so revered, you don’t immediately think about Rubbel Sexy Lager, but for now, for this moment in time, it would be great to share the story, and to enjoy some gentle irony at the expense of the alcohol regulators in the UK.

In February 2008, all bottles of Rubbel Sexy Lager were stripped from UK shelves. It would be best to use the exact words of Portman Group manager David Poley to explain why – of course also remembering to keep referring back to the label pictured above. And yes, that is a scratch and remove bikini !

“Drinking excessively can affect people’s judgement and behaviour leading to them engaging in sexual activity which they later regret…Our Code disallows drinks marketing being linked to sexual success…The industry has set itself strict marketing rules and this drink has fallen short of those high standards.”

Rightly or wrongly, and forgetting the quality of the beer for a moment, is it worth considering the amount of products that exist on our TV screens today, and on bill-boards across the country that don’t use sex to sell products? Cars sell on the premise of sex. It wasn’t long ago that almost all car and motorcycle advertisements used scantily clad females draped across the paintwork. Advertising has become more subtle but the message remains. Just ask all those men who as teenagers were besotted by Nicole. The marketeers behind Lynx deodorant would make you believe that even the most undesirable male can pick up hot girls with a couple of deft applications of cheap bodyspray. Even such obscure products as burgers (Paris Hilton, 2005) and Brylcreem have linked sexual success to their products.

I guess however there is a moral line somewhere in this which is important to note. Any male, or female for that matter, could pick up a can of bodyspray or hair product, or drive a fancy car to impress the opposite sex, but all is seen as fair game. Portman may of course argue that it might not be quite as fair to use drugs such as alcohol to gain an advantage in this area. Sexy Rubbel Lager is far removed from something sinister like Rohipnol, but the marketeers perhaps need to realise the position of alcohol in the market, and the potential dangers. After all there is statistically far more chance of picking up a partner in a bar than there is in a burger bar, and it is almost certainly exponentially related to the amount one or both has drunk.

That aside, I certainly wouldn’t recommend this beer to anyone, even if there was the faintest chance it might entice Kylie Minogue round for a peek in my cellar. Even if you consider the thirty seconds of fun I had revealing one unidentifiable breast and a glimpse of pubic hair, there is no way I would return and drink this beast of a drink again. It was a foul weak tasteless lager with no redeeming features whatsoever. Caveat Emptor !

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Filed under 3, Huyghe, Pilsener

#54 – Bon Secours Myrtille

#54 - Bon Secours Myrtille

Size: 330 ml

ABV: 7 %

While shopping for groceries in a small supermarket in Diekirch in Luxembourg, I spotted the Bon Secours Myrtille at a reassuringly tempting price. This looked interesting I thought, and so added it to the trolley. If anyone else is similarly tempted to do the same, then please read further and ensure you leave this aberration on the shelf.

I was convinced that the Myrtille I was drinking was made of blueberries but in actual fact it is a bilberry beer, with a dash of raspberries. Bilberries are similar to blueberries but there are a number of sizeable differences. Firstly, although similar in taste, bilberries are actually smaller than blueberries, and are generally darker in colour – appearing more black than blue. The pulp of the bilberry is also a reddy purple hue, as opposed to the light green interior of the blueberry. They also grow in single or paired berries on bushes as opposed to the clusters of blueberries. Should you be interested in creating your own bilberry myrtille beer, you will no doubt now be at a distinct advantage, although finding them will not be easy. They are particularly difficult to grow and are therefore rarely cultivated. Also, they are much softer than the blueberry and therefore tend not to travel well. Good gourmet stores on the continent might well stock bilberries, but you will likely be charged up to 25 Euros per pound. It is a mystery to me that a) somebody therefore decided to brew a bilberry beer, and that b) they managed to make such a horses arse of it.

There may be something working in its favour however, in that the world of science has tended to find that bilberries may aid certain eye disorders. It was a common myth during World War II, that RAF pilots would consume bilberry jam in an attempt to sharpen their visual acuity before flying missions. Perhaps we should be thankful that pilots chose to digest jam rather than 7% fruit beers, or the course of European history may have chartered a completely different and more unsavoury path.

Talking of unsavoury, back to my tasting. Yet again, I fell foul of a Bon Secours swing-top bottle (#28) – the last one killed my Orval glass, this one soiled my ‘Good Beer Guide to Belgium’ a grotty shade of blue. I had already knocked a point off! The colour, when I eventually decanted the remaining two-thirds into my glass, was impressive with a deep bluey purple staring back at me. It smelt reasonable as well with deep summer fruits hitting my nose, but then I tried it. Certainly I have had more impressive alcopops. This tasted neither of beer or blueberries (as I expected it to), moreover it was just a glass full of foul tasting crap. How this can be described as a beer is remarkable, and contrary to the belief that bilberries can cure eye disorders, is that almost certainly when brewed like this, the side effects will be acute stomach disorders !

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Filed under 3, Caulier, Fruit Beer